Sitcom/Sketches

Before starting to write Wildebeest I experimented with a few sketches and a sitcom named Boffins. I did little with them at the time, but writing sketches was great practice for writing dialogue for other forms. A couple of examples are published below.

Yes No

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

A HUSBAND IN A FOOTBALL SHIRT SITS IN HIS ARMCHAIR WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV (BUT WITHOUT SOUND) THERE IS A LITTLE TABLE BY THE CHAIR WHICH HAS A CAN OF BEER ON IT AND THE TV REMOTE CONTROL. IN HIS LEFT HAND IS THE ‘YES’ CONTROL OF THE YES/NO MACHINE, IN HIS RIGHT THE ‘NO’ CONTROL (THEY ARE SMALL CYLINDERS WITH BUTTONS ON THE TOP).

BEHIND THE HUSBAND STANDS HIS WIFE IRONING, THROUGHOUT THE SKETCH THE HUSBAND’S GAZE IS ALWAYS ON THE TV THE WIFE’S IS ALWAYS ON THE SHIRT SHE’S IRONING.


WIFE:
Did I look sexy today?

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

WIFE:
So you think that pink looks good on me?

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON. 

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

WIFE:
And the trousers didn’t make my bum look too big?

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

WIFE:
What? So you think that my bum looks big?

HUSBAND LIFTS RIGHT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
No.

WIFE:
But you said my bum looked big, didn’t you?

HUSBAND LIFTS RIGHT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
No.

WIFE:
Do you love me?

PAUSE, HUSBAND DOES NOTHING.

WIFE:
I said do you love me?

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

HUSBAND THEN LIFTS RIGHT HAND AS WELL, AND PRESSES BOTH BUTTONS.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
I sometimes think I may as well not exist.

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

WIFE:
Do you listen to me?

HUSBAND LIFTS BOTH HANDS, AND PRESSES BUTTONS.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
What did I say then?

HUSBAND PUTS RIGHT HAND CONTROLLER DOWN, HE PICKS UP TV REMOTE CONTROL AND PRESSES A BUTTON. THE TV PUTS A MESSAGE OVER THE FOOTBALL:
“YOU SAID – I SOMETIMES THINK I MAY AS WELL NOT EXIST.
I SAID – YES.
YOU SAID – DO YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I SAID – OF COURSE I DO.
YOU SAID – WHAT DID I SAY THEN?”

HUSBAND: (READING ‘MATTER OF FACTLY’ FROM TV)
You said, 'I sometimes think I may as well not exist.'
I said, 'Yes.'
You said, 'Do you listen to me?'
I said, 'Of course I do.'
You said, 'What did I say then?'

WIFE:
You were listening! We do have a good marriage don't we? 

HUSBAND LIFTS LEFT HAND, PRESSES BUTTON.

YES/NO MACHINE IN HUSBAND’S VOICE:
Yes.

THE WIFE CONTINUES TO IRON. THE HUSBAND WATCHES TV.


END OF SKETCH
 

Poker

INT. IN HOUSE AROUND A POKER TABLE – NIGHT

FOUR PLAYERS ARE SITTING ROUND A TABLE PLAYING POKER BARE FOOTED. EACH PLAYER IS HOLDING FIVE CARDS IN FRONT OF THEM. THE REMAINING CARDS ARE BY PLAYER 3. EACH PLAYER HAS A SMALL STACK OF NOTES BY THEM AND THERE IS A SMALL PILE OF MONEY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE.



PLAYER 1:
I’ll bet twenty.

PLAYER 1 PUTS £20 IN THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 2:
I’ll see your twenty and raise ten.

PLAYER 2 PUTS £30 IN THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 3:
I’ll match the thirty and raise with a bit of belly button fluff.

PLAYER 3 UNDOES THE LOWER BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT AND PULLS OUT SOME FLUFF FROM HIS BELLY BUTTON. HE PLACES THE FLUFF AND £30 IN THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 4:
I can do the thirty, but the belly button fluff has made it too rich for my blood, I’m out!

PLAYER 4 PLACES CARDS FACE DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM.

PLAYER 1:
I’ll match the extra ten, and the belly button fluff and raise with some nasal hair . . .

PLAYER 1 PUTS £10 IN THE MIDDLE, HE THEN UNDOES THE LOWER BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT AND PULLS OUT SOME FLUFF FROM HIS BELLY BUTTON AND PUTS IN THE MIDDLE. HE THEN PLUCKS OUT NASAL HAIR WITH A SET OF TWEEZERS AND PUTS IN THE MIDDLE. HE SNEEZES OVER THE TABLE.

PLAYER 1:
And some snot!

PLAYER 2:
I’m still in, here’s my belly button fluff, here’s the nasal hair . . . 

PLAYER 2 SCOOPS OUT BELLY BUTTON FLUFF, THEN PLUCKS OUT NASAL HAIR WITH A SET OF TWEEZERS, HE PUTS BOTH IN THE MIDDLE. HE THEN SNEEZES OVER THE TABLE.

PLAYER 2:
And snot, and I’ll raise with some ear wax.

PLAYER 2 TAKES COTTON BUD OUT OF POCKET AND SWIRLS AROUND HIS EAR, IT COMES OUT YELLOW. HE PLACES IT INTO THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 3:
Call that a bet, here’s my ear wax.

PLAYER 3 TAKES COTTON BUD OUT OF POCKET AND SWIRLS AROUND HIS EAR, IT COMES OUT YELLOW. HE PLACES IT INTO THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 3:
And here’s my nasal hair . . .

PLAYER 3 PLUCKS OUT NASaL HAIR WITH A SET OF TWEEZERS, AND SNEEZES OVER THE TABLE.

PLAYER 3:
And snot, plus I’ll raise with a toe nail clipping.

PLAYER 3 PUTS A FOOT ON THE TABLE AND CLIPS HIS BIG TOE NAIL WITH CLIPPERS. HE PLACES THE TOE NAIL IN THE MIDDLE.

PLAYER 1:
I’ve got the toe nails . . .

PLAYER 1 PUTS A FOOT ON THE TABLE TO REVEAL ENORMOUS TOE NAILS.

PLAYER 1:
But I had my ears syringed yesterday. Can anyone lend me some ear wax?

ALL OTHER PLAYERS SHAKE THEIR HEADS, PLAYER 1 SITS DOWN AND PLACES CARDS FACE DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM.

PLAYER 1: (DISAPPOINTED)
Then I guess I’ll have to fold.

PLAYER 2:
I can do the toe nail.

PLAYER 2 PUTS A FOOT ON THE TABLE AND CLIPS HIS SMALL TOE NAIL WITH CLIPPERS. HE PLACES THE TOE NAIL IN THE MIDDLE. HE PLACES FOOT DOWN AGAIN.

PLAYER 3:
That’s an illegal bet?

PLAYER 2:
Why?

PLAYER 3:
I bet my big toe nail.

PLAYER 2 PUTS A FOOT ON THE TABLE AND CLIPS HIS BIG TOE NAIL WITH CLIPPERS. HE PLACES THE TOE NAIL IN THE MIDDLE. HE PLACES FOOT DOWN AGAIN.

PLAYER 2:
OK, I’ll match the big toe nail, and raise with my little toe nail. 

PLAYER 3:
You know that’s unfair.

PLAYER 2:
Why?

PLAYER 3:
Because you know that I’m particularly attached to my small toe nail.

PLAYER 2:
Are you in or not?

PLAYER 3 LOOKS AT HIS CARDS, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SLAMS THEM DOWN ON THE TABLE.

PLAYER 3:
I fold then.

PLAYER 2 LEANS FORWARD AND SCOOPS UP THE POT.
PLAYER 4 SCOOPS UP THE CARDS.

PLAYER 4:
My deal, is everyone in?

ALL PLAYERS STAND UP AND REACH INTO THEIR TROUSERS. THEY TUG ON PUBIC HAIR, WINCE, AND PLACE IT IN THE MIDDLE.


END OF SKETCH

Currys

INT. CALLER’S HOUSE/CURRYS' STORE – DAY – INTERCUT

A PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN A CALLER AND A WORKER FROM CURRYS - THE ELECTRICAL STORE, THE CALLER IS EXCITED AND SAYS WHATEVER POPS INTO HIS HEAD. AS THE CALL PROGRESSES THE CURRYS' WORKER GETS MORE IRRITATED.


CALLER:
Hello, is that Currys?

CURRYS’ WORKER:
Yes.

CALLER:
Do you deliver?

CURRYS’ WORKER:
Yes.

CALLER:
Fantastic! I’ll have a Bombay Aloo, Vindaloo, Tindaloo, Sag Aloo, portaloo, Aloo Chat, a loo roll, rock n’ roll, Rolling Stones!

CURRYS’ WORKER:
But we don’t sell curries?

CALLER:
Curries yes! Ruby Murray, Edwina Curry and John Major . . . arrgh . . . who’d have thought? What about Norma? . . . Korma! Chicken Korma, Lamb Korma, King Prawn Korma, Korma Korma Korma Korma Korma and Kheema Naan, Plain Naan, Garlic Naan, Peshwari Naan, my nan, she used to tell me stories, nan stories . . . Tandoori! Oh and Poppadums loads of Poppadums!

CURRYS’ WORKER:
You’ve got us confused with a curry house I think?

CALLER:
Curry house drinks! Tiger Beer, Cobra Beer, Yogi Beer, Booboo Beer, Alice Beer, Beer Belly, Delhi Belly, Belly Dance, Salsa, Waltz, Tap and Tango . . . Mango! Mango Chutney, Chutney Ferret!

CURRYS’ WORKER:
Look, if you want a bloody takeaway go to a kebab shop!

CALLER:
Kebabs! Seekh Kebab, Rashim Kebab, Boti Kebab, Donna Kebab, Donna Summers, summertime, prime time . . . Lime! Lime Pickle, Judge Pickles, Mr. Tickle, Mr. Men, Roger Hargreaves, Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, Rabbit Jeera, Lamb Jeera, Al Jazeera, Alan Shearer . . . and Shearer passes to Acuna . . . he shoots . . . he scores . . . Chicken Bhuna!

CURRYS’ WORKER:
We sell electrical products like microwaves.

CALLER:
Fantastic idea, I’ll have a microwave as well to heat up the chicken tikka, lamb tikka, ostrich tikka, dickie ticker, ticker tape, cello tape, tape worm, worm hole, hole in one, whole rice, Pilau Rice, Plain Rice, Anneka Rice, Condeliza Rice, Condiments, Onion Salad, Onion Bhaji, Meat Bhaji, argie bargie.

CURRYS’ WORKER:
We don’t sell curries or any sort of food, we sell electrical products! 

CALLER:
Why are you called Currys then?

CURRYS’ WORKER:
It’s just a name! Like Dixons, Comet and the House of Fraser!

CALLER:
House of Frasier, of course! Is Frasier there? He’s coming here later! Get him to bring it all over!


END OF SKETCH